Rebuilding Trust After an Affair

Dear Brown: Could you address how to rebuild trust after an affair?
Reader From New Zealand

Dear New Zealand: What we actually mean when we say “I need to be able to trust you again” is really “I need to feel safe around you again.” So rebuilding trust is akin to restoring the feeling that you’re honorable, honest, truthful, trustworthy and safe.

The other relationship has to be completely over. No repair work is going to happen if your spouse/intimate partner is not confident that the affair has stopped. This is particularly challenging when the other person is someone you regularly see at work. But if you’re going to make your spouse feel safe, you will have to do whatever s/he needs. This includes you honestly confessing, telling the whole story with as much detail as your partner asks for.
Second, sincerely apologize. A sincere apology is not simply saying “I’m sorry.” A sincere apology acknowledges wrongdoing, accepts accountability for the behavior, conveys genuine sorrow that you have hurt the person you love—and communicates that you will go to the end of the Earth in order to make things up to him or her. You must include an inviolable promise that you will be honest, transparent and open about your dealings with other people from here on out, and that you will never keep a hurtful secret from your partner again.

Third, you must take the lead and offer consistent effort over time to assist the relationship in being closer, friendlier, more engaged and more deeply connected. Fourth, show your interest by being way more affectionate.

Holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing, having your arm abound each other as you watch a movie—those are ways to be affectionate through touch.
Fifth, several times a week, tell your partner what you love, admire, respect and like about him/her. Your partner’s confidence is shaken, and I cannot overstate the importance of offering a ton of reassurance—often. Sixth, be emotionally and physically available, and compassionately listen to your partner’s hurt and pain. This may take a while, and you may hear the same “I can’t believe this” refrain many many times before it diminishes. Be understanding and patient. It will lessen over time.

Seventh, offer complete openness and transparency about phone records, texts, emails, credit card statements and bills. It will give your partner assurance that you are no longer keeping secrets or being private about your dealings with other people.
Lastly, don’t cheat again. Trust is way harder to regain if this happens more than once.

“Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly.” —Louis Ginsberg

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Control Freaks

Dear Brown: What can you tell me about people who are “control freaks,” those people who need to control their children and their partners?
Wellington, New Zealand

Dear Wellington: There are two kinds of power. The first is POWER OVER. The other is PERSONAL POWER.

POWER OVER shows up as control and dominance: someone expects to get what he or she wants through the use of power over another. POWER OVER closes the door to true communication and intimacy, according to Patricia Evans in the book The Verbally Abusive

 Relationship (Bob Adams, Inc., 1992).
Intimacy in a relationship requires mutuality. Mutuality requires good will, openness, a willingness to share one’s self, and a willingness to share decision making and how resources (time, money, etc.) are used. Mutuality is a respectfulness for one another based on the belief that each individual is an equal partner in the relationship. Any act that involves controlling or dominating a partner, or that disregards consideration of your mate’s opinions and desires, or that forces a spouse to do something against his or her will, demonstrates a lack of mutuality. Behaviors that indicate a lack of mutuality are chronic criticism, inability to compromise, attempts to alienate your spouse’s friends, jealous behaviors, psychological/emotional smothering, or physically and/or emotionally abusive behaviors.
In an in-depth analysis of 49 spouses who fell out of love with each other, Karen Kayser, in the book
When Love Dies (Guildford Press, 1993), discovered that more than one half of the couples cited their partner’s attempt to control them as the turning point in their marriages. Typical examples of a partner’s controlling behavior were situations in which a major decision, was made unilaterally, such as deciding where they should live or how they should spend their money. Some were major life decisions—others were quite minor. But the common element was the lack of consideration for the other person’s input, opinions and feelings in the decision-making process.

A controlling partner doesn’t desire a mutual relationship, but only a relationship that serves his or her needs. Therefore, a controlling partner (or parent for that matter) will not care about their spouse’s (or children’s) feelings. A controlling partner fears a spouse’s feelings and ideas because the differentness is perceived as interfering with what the controlling person wants. By discounting, ignoring or minimizing the spouses’s feelings and desires, the controlling partner can do with what he or she wants to.

A likely consequence of this imbalance of power is that the discounted person will feel devalued and controlled, and is then likely to harbor resentment and withdraw. You cannot control your partner and be intimate with him/her at the same time. If there is little equality, partnership and mutuality, intimacy will be lacking.

PERSONAL POWER is about being in charge of yourself. It is not about power over others, it is about power over self. Personal power fosters mutuality and co-creation in a relationship. It values all family members’ happiness, satisfaction and sense of empowerment, not just one person’s.
Whenever a decision needs to made in a relationship, an opportunity arises for control issues to get triggered. How you handle such disagreements speaks volumes about whether you have a mutual relationship (and therefore a happier and healthier relationship), or whether your spouse sees you as a “control freak,” and therefore harbors resentment and anger toward you.

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Drama Queens Are Demanding and Intense

Dear Brown:  I feel like I am living in a soap opera.  My girlfriend and I have lived together for the past six months.  In that period of time, she has gotten pregnant, aborted, lost her job (she was accused of dressing inappropriately), threatened suicide, left me, came back, got in a car wreck and has had a breakdown. She calls me 20 or 30 times a day at work, and is frequently in some sort of crisis about something or another.

I love this woman, but she is driving me crazy, and I am unsure I can be with her forever like this.  Help.  What do I do?

On A Rollercoaster in Ontario

Dear Ontario:  It sounds like you’re living with a drama queen.  Drama queens (and kings):

Technically called Histrionic Personality Disorder, drama kings and queens may be surprisingly out of touch with their inner feelings, act demanding, self-centered and emotionally needy, and crave novelty, stimulation and excitement.

Although it’s not easy to alter these personality traits and behaviors, it is possible.  A drama queen’s essential work is to improve her self-esteem, to form and maintain authentic (rather then superficial) intimate friendships and relationships with others, gain a greater emotional awareness of what she’s needing in her various social and family relationships, gain a greater awareness of her personal goals which are not directly related to other people’s approval—and to be more aware of and sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.

So what do you if you’re in a relationship with a drama queen (or king)?  Help her develop self-worth and self-reliance, and do so benevolently, not harshly or through meanness.  Assist her in uncovering her true feelings.  They are often very hidden from her.  Encourage her to deepen her friendships and connections to other people, especially those that care about her. And assist her in learning to be sensitive to the feelings of other people, especially those she cares about.

A good psychotherapist may be able to guide and teach her these things as
 Require that they be the center of attention.  So they are always calling attention to themselves—or appealing for your help or sympathy—and may do so in a coercive, manipulative or deceptive way.

Are overly dramatic and theatrical.  There’s a tendency to be intense, exaggerated and emotionally reactive.  There’s a melodrama quality about what happens to them—things that other people take more in stride.

Are often flirtatious, sexually seductive or provocative in their conversation and behavior.

Consistently use physical appearance to draw attention to themselves.  Physical prowess and/or attractiveness are heavily valued.  There’s a tendency to be an exhibitionist.

Typically have superficial relationships with others, and they consider those relationships to be more intimate than they really are.

Tend to have wild swings in emotions which are often triggered by minor problems or dilemmas.  Emotions may shift frequently and rapidly, and emotional storms are common.

Are suggestible and impulsive. They’re easily influenced by others or by circumstances.
Have a style of speech lacking in detail.  They give impressions rather than details

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Cell Phone Addiction Can Threaten a Relationship

Dear Brown: As soon as my girlfriend and I got in bed last night, she was on her phone for over an hour. I was trying to be affectionate. “In a minute. I’m on Snapchat.” Then it was “I’m on Facebook.” In the end, I rolled over and went to sleep. I feel like I’m the other man in this relationship between her and her phone.

Spurned in the UK

Dear Neil: Recently my girlfriend has been saying she is too tired to watch a movie, play a game or go out. But that doesn’t stop her from reading other people’s posts on Facebook, even after I come to bed. So last week I said she would have to surrender her phone for the night if she wanted to spend the night with me. She agreed and this was great for 3 nights. We talked, played board games and were intimate. I commented on how great it was to not be neglected and for us to actually be involved as a couple.

Then yesterday she became frantic searching for her cell. Opening drawers and dislodging things. When I gave her the phone, she grabbed it and was on it for 2 hours. When I did all my morning chores, I told her that she had to put the phone down or get out. She left.
Rebuffed in San Francisco

Dear Spurned and Rebuffed: Like any other addiction, being addicted to your cell phone, your computer or even your TV can be very hard to stop. And the reason why this behavior has become significant to an growing number of people is because the time spent on any electronic device so easily replaces direct communication and intimate connection. Your significant other’s presence is entirely elsewhere, which is okay for a while, but unacceptable when his/her online “relationships” are given greater importance and enthusiasm than she gives you.

Computer or cell phone addiction has suddenly become a common way of distancing from someone else. It is also a sure fire way of communicating—intentionally or not—that your spouse or intimate partner is in second place, less important than your online relationships. This addiction is unlikely to stop unless the two of you create an ironclad agreement that honors both partner’s wants and needs, and that both of you consistently honor. It is becoming increasingly important to understand the difference between “friending” someone and having real friends and an actual relationship.

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Why Am I Afraid of Marrying the Man I Love?

Dear Brown:  I am 28 years-old, and my two-year relationship with my boyfriend is the first serious relationship I have been in.  Our first six months together were amazing and totally blissful.  I was the first to say “I love you.”  After six months, I got extremely anxious and scared because I didn’t know how I felt.  I love this man, but the thought of forever freaks me out, and I don’t know why.

We have a great foundation, tons in common, same religion, families get along great, friends get along great, we have fun together and we respect each other.  We are at the point where we are either going to move forward or we’re not.  But I’m just not sure, and still don’t have the “feelings” I always thought I would have when I was ready to marry someone.  I talk to him about everything and tell him my fears, and he is very patient with me and respects my feelings.  I don’t know why I am so freaked out.  I can’t imagine living without him, but I also can’t imagine living with these feelings forever.  Can you help me?

Doubtful in Denver

Dear Doubtful:  The first step is to figure out what you’re so afraid of.
An intimate partner can be your best friend, but he can also be the person you most fear because he has your sense of stability, well being, peace of mind, self-image and sense of future within his control.

To truly commit to another person exposes the fear that if the other person was to die or otherwise abandon us, we would feel such total rejection, and such complete loneliness and vulnerability, that we just might wither away to nothing. Another common fear of commitment involves being afraid that the other person will eventually take us over, consuming and controlling us to the point where we lose ourselves and our individual identities.

So fearful are we of either abandonment or being taken over, that we are often afraid to wholly give ourselves to another.  It is safer not to.  We don’t risk so much.

Also, Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, in their excellent book He’s Scared, She’s Scared (M.J.F. Books) remind us that walking along-side each of us is a dream of the ideal partner, the soul mate, the karmic connection. This is the partner we are waiting for.  In our dreams, s/he is the Right One.  We worry that if we settle down with someone else, we won’t be free if Mr. or Ms. Right shows up.  We believe that just maybe there will be someone more attractive, more capable, more affluent or cuter out there for us.

Part of growing up means relinquishing those fantasies about the perfect partner and the perfect relationship.  Also accommodating to another can produce a kind emotional claustrophobia, making us feel trapped, stuck, tied down, boxed in, restricted.  Figure out the ways in which you fear being controlled by someone else.

It does seem as if you have a fairy tale image of the way things should feel—that you shouldn’t have doubts or fears, that you should be completely swept off your feet, that you shouldn’t feel discomfort or uncertainty.  Examine precisely what your fears, hesitations and concerns are.  Then tell your boyfriend, and see if the two of you can initiate a very honest discussion about these issues.

This is the time to learn how to address truthful emotions as they arise, which is essential because it relates to you being authentic, genuine and real with your boyfriend. Give this promising relationship an honest chance of making it.  As people we have been given the ability to communicate with one another.  Use that gift.

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Signs Your Mate is Cheating on You

Some months ago I printed in this space a list of ways to tell if your mate is being unfaithful to you.  Here are some additional telltale signs of possible infidelity not covered in my previous column:

Source: Cheaters by Raymond Green (New Horizon Press)

Your mate often comes home late, is frequently having vehicle troubles or has frequent unexplained absences.
Your mate turns off his cell phone or pager—or doesn’t answer it—whenever you are around.

You receive hang-up telephone calls on a regular basis, or an unusually large number of calls that are wrong numbers.

Your mate won’t listen to his/her telephone messages when you can also hear them, and if you live separately, your mate’s telephone is off limits for you to answer.

When talking on the telephone, your mate walks away from you, leaves the room, whispers, gives short yes-or-no type answers or abruptly changes the topic of conversation when you enter the room.

Your mate has occasional special nights out when she is not to be bothered at all.

Your mate doesn’t take you to public functions or social events and avoids having you meet her new friends.

Your mate makes excuses about why his wedding ring is not being worn.
Your mate claims to spend a good deal of time at the local mall but seldom buys anything.

Your mate is working at the computer, and when you walk into the room, s/he quickly exits whatever program is running, turns the monitor screen down, turns off the monitor or clears the screen so you can’t see what was there.

Your mate convinces you that taking separate vacations is a good thing for you both.

Your mate frequently tells white lies.
Your mate accuses you of cheating, but has no real cause to suspect you.

Your mate would rather spend time with friends than be with you, shows no interest in your relationship’s future, or stops being affectionate.

Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he doesn’t want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.

Your mate’s car passenger seat is frequently moved to a different position when you get in.

Your mate’s car, bedroom, bathroom or hairbrush contains unfamiliar hairs.
Your mate carries a change of clothes or grooming products in her car, or brings them along when going for with an evening of socializing with friends.
Your mate’s clothing or vehicle frequently has the aroma of an unfamiliar smell such as perfume, aftershave, cigarettes or cigars.

Your mate’s long-distance or calling card charges increase dramatically.
Your mate comes home to you and is not wearing the same clothes s/he had on when leaving the house, or you notice certain pieces of clothing missing, such as underwear, nylons or socks.

Your mate comes home and takes a shower or bath right away, which is something s/he never did before.
Your mate keeps condoms in his/her wallet or purse, even though the two of you don’t use condoms.

You discover unexplained receipts for hotels, motels, clothing, jewelry or meals.

Your mate refuses to allow you to see the monthly cell phone or credit card statements

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JINSI YA KUKATA KIUNO KWA RAHA ZAKO MB** IKIWA NDANI YA K¥M∆ YAKO

 

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