I’m a psychologist. People often ask me, “Why did my feeling of being “in-love” end?” New brain research shows why. It is simple to understand.
At the beginning of the 21 st century, psychologists discovered that the obsessive thinking part of in-love, go-crazy romance lasts 3 to18 months. During that phase of a relationship, individuals are constantly focused on their partners. This is because their brain and body chemistry changes. This is somewhat similar to an obsessive-compulsive disorder.
What this means is one’s brain and body chemistry causes a person to focus on one person out of all the available partners. This person is often called “The One.”
Now a person does not have to ask if he or she thinks if they are in love, or what is love? A person is obsessed with this person. Everyone’s biological processes change and rebalance, and the feeling of obsessive, crazy-in-love passion always passes. Then some partners move into the second phase of in-love romance. Others feel like their partner is suddenly a stranger.
The Second Phase of In-Love Romance
The second phase of in-love romance is where people sometimes get excited upon seeing their partners and about doing things together. Closeness can feel rewarding. But people are not constantly thinking about each other day and night unless it is a dysfunctional relationship.
What’s important to consider, here, is that some individuals do not move into the second phase of in-love romance. Instead, they sober up to the fact that their partners do not feel like best friends do. People often blame their partners for this change in how they feel. That is because they think that something must have changed in them. But no, that’s not it. They were just not ready for what can happen when they fall madly in love, so they never move to the second stage of being in love.
The second phase of in-love romance is where people sometimes get excited upon seeing their partners and about doing things together. Closeness can feel rewarding. But people are not constantly thinking about each other day and night unless it is a dysfunctional relationship.
What’s important to consider, here, is that some individuals do not move into the second phase of in-love romance. Instead, they sober up to the fact that their partners do not feel like best friends do. People often blame their partners for this change in how they feel. That is because they think that something must have changed in them. But no, that’s not it. They were just not ready for what can happen when they fall madly in love, so they never move to the second stage of being in love.
Sobering up to the fact that one is no longer totally crazy about someone is quite common. Scientists have shown that this is a natural biological process. What is going on is that some of the neurotransmitters that regulate the brain’s circuitry return to their pre-romantic state through a normal balancing process. This causes people to snap out of their in-love trance and stop having obsessive thoughts about their partners. They probably still get excited when they see them if they have a functional relationship. When that is the case the situation is much less stressful, especially if they have become best friends and feel like family in a good way.
Often, however, like Romeo and Juliet, people really expected to go goofy over each other forever. So when the crazy in-love feeling fades, they have no idea of how to develop a mature relationship or how to plan for the future together. Instead their biological processes are telling them to move more deeply into the relationship or to get out of it. Often they search for reasons to blame each other. That’s when the arguments start.
By then, it’s too late to simply go to being friends. That is because they probably never were real friends to begin with. They didn’t know each other long enough. Instead of admitting to their failure, people follow the script that they see role modeled on TV: Let’s fight!
Sound familiar? Sure, it happens every day. But instead of warning young individuals that this could happen, older adults and family members generally encourage partners to rush to the marriage altar. Individuals under this sort of family pressure get married without really knowing much about each other. People continue to do this despite the high divorce rate. They do not worry about not having a truly intimate relationship where partners honestly share their feelings. That’s because they are crazy in love. But when the crazy in-love feeling passes, the relationship becomes stressful.
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